1) Try to keep busy when you're on the train, whether by reading a book or listening to music. Because even if you're innocently staring into space, you probably look as though you're staring at the ballsac of the guy standing in front of you.
2) If you drop your phone/iPod/bag/miniature oven into the tracks, think carefully about jumping in after it. If you're on the R train, you're probably good to go for the next fifteen minutes, but if you're on the 1 line, you may want to consider just buying a new one.
3) Don't stare at people. And if you see someone staring at you, simply tell them 'Don't you know it's rude to stare at people you dumb bitch!' (the bitch is for emphasis). My mom recently used this method and it worked wonders.
4) Don't sit in front of the map, because even if you're only on for two stops, someone will hover over you with very bad breath. Oh, and as an aside, why don't people just Google Map where they're going ahead of time? Seriously.
5) If someone decides to rudely sit their fat-ass between you and another person when there's clearly no room for them, you have the right to nudge them as hard as you can. And if there are other seats, just move to another one. If they follow you, however, that is beyond the scope of this guide, and you may want to consult the police or karate 101.
6) If an announcement starts with 'This is an important announcement from the New York City Transit Authority,' it's not important. But if it starts with 'this train will be...,' take your earplugs off and listen before you end up in the Bronx and get your shoes jacked.
7) If you go on the train at four in the morning, bring a fork with you and start talking to it. After all, the best way to avoid crazies is to act crazy yourself.
8) Even if you are three hours early, a true New Yorker runs for the train unless you have a broken leg or six inch stillettos. Five inch stillettos don't count.
9) If you plan to use the train as your mode of transportation, always leave 15 minutes early. Because you will miss your train, and watch three trains pass on the other side while you're stuck waiting. It's the law.
10) Although the law says not to eat on the train (and is backed up by a fine), feel free to ignore this. I'd prefer a few crumbs on the seat than for you to pass out and now we have to pull the emergency break.
11) Never pull the emergency break. Ever. Especially not as a prank.
12) If you've been on the train for more than five minutes, you've probably seen at least four panhandlers. Listen to their stories - not because they're emotionally moving (which they can be), but because some of them are funny. I've seen a man begging for food, and someone kindly gave him yogurt. But instead of being grateful, he got mad that she didn't give him a spoon. I've also heard people steal stories from different panhandlers - they should really copyright them shits. And while it's not always easy to tell who is telling the truth and who isn't, if they say they aren't selling drugs, they are.
13) It's always good to know where exactly to stand on the platform so you can be the first one through the doors. You'll get the best seats, and it'll give you the chance to push people coming off of the train. Go ahead, I give you my permission.
14) If you missed your chance at a seat, and you're on the D train, stand by an Asian. You'll probably get a seat by Grand Street. Oh, but be careful which Asian you stand by - make sure you choose one with a fisherman's shirt carrying red bags and not one in a suit.
15) If you see a crowded train with one empty car DON'T GO IN THERE. There is a reason it's empty, and that reason is probably a homeless person.
16) The poles are not meant for dancing. But don't let that stop you.
17) Try not to fall asleep unless you know you're travelling with someone dependable who will wake you up. Otherwise, you may end up in the Bronx and get your shoes jacked. Again.
18) When you get home, it would probably do you well to wash your hands. Between homeless people and the freaks who lived out their fantasies of having sex on the train, you probably have such a scary number of germs on you that you don't even want to know. Oh, and the dirtiest place in subways? It's not even on the trains, it's the handrails on the station staircases.
So, there you have it! With these tips, navigating the trains should be a lot less stressful. May you have many pleasent train rides! :)
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